The Opposite

I’ve got to do something with my 40th birthday approaching and my life falling apart at the seams. This is largely thanks to the repressive actions of the Tory Government, but as well as continuing to fight for what I believe in I also have to consider my own well-being.

I have been talking to a life-coach and need to be a little more selfish at times in my pursuit of happiness as at the moment I am just a frustrated figure living with extreme anxiety and depression in a lonely and isolated bubble.

Before doing anything else though, I think I will make my own changes based on my favourite television sitcom, Seinfeld. My favourite character in the show is George Costanza and during The Opposite he decides to do the opposite of everything he normally does because as his friend Jerry said “If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.”

So far I have made a few subtle changes such as drinking Jack Daniels and Lemonade instead of my usual Coke and had a grade one instead of my usual grade two haircut.

I am not as brave with women at the moment, but hopefully I’ll find the courage to approach them one day soon.

***

Here is the conversation I was referring to above and that I have decided to model my life around for the next few months at least. It cant hurt…

George Costanza: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but… I was perceptive. I always know when someone’s uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I’ve ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat… It’s all been wrong.

Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

George Costanza: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing’s ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted… and a cup of tea.

Elaine Benes: Well, there’s no telling what can happen from this.

Jerry Seinfeld: You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

George Costanza: [Sarcastically] Good for the tuna.

Elaine Benes: [a blonde looks at George] Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.

George Costanza: So what? What am I supposed to do?

Elaine Benes: Go talk to her.

George Costanza: Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don’t approach strange women.

Jerry Seinfeld: Well, here’s your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.

George Costanza: Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

Jerry Seinfeld: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George Costanza: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!

George Costanza: [He goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice that you were looking in my direction.

Victoria: Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.

George Costanza: [Takes a deep breath] My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.

Victoria: I’m Victoria. Hi.

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